Anyhow, my brothers (THB-squareds) and I were looking for some breakfast around 1300 hours. We needed a place that served breakfast all day. Denny's, I thought. But find a Denny's we could not. Don't ask me how we couldn't find a Denny's - they outnumber people in the region - but somehow we couldn't. VFWs? Check. Flea markets? Aplenty. Oldsmobiles? Ubiquitous (thank you, Princeton Review). But no Denny's.
Aside: "Hey, what about a local diner?" you might ask. You've never been to Western PA. Chains only. Same with the Cincinatti area. Civil engineering doesn't require a degree in either of these places. It's more like a half hour seminar. Build one big wide straight road. Then, turn on your TV and build every commercial. Every single one. Home Depot, Walmart, PepBoys, McDonald's, BK, Wendy's, Applebee's, Chili's, Papa John's etc. Even freaking Red Lobster. This model of civil engineering is the only explanation for how there are as many Red Lobsters as there are.
Then, lo and behold, an oasis in the desert:
We don't have Perkins in the northeast. Yet. But when I saw this visage, I immediately thought: "That's a breakfast-all-day place if I've ever seen one". The nice green and white striped awning. The "Family Restaurant" moniker. Had to be a breakfast all day joint. I mean they sure aren't selling enough "Seafood Sensation" to stay open. I hope. I popped open the menu, and what do I see scrawled across the top? "Breakfast. Served all day!". Like heavily commercialized pop music to my ears.
I hope Perkins expands to the northeast. I'm worried that Perkins is not expanding though. I'm worried that Perkins is contracting, or that Perkins went out of business in the late 1970's but the news never reached Western PA. In any case, Perkins has a few features that make it a prime breakfast all day venue:
1. "Mammoth muffins". When you're in breakfast all day mode, you don't want a puny muffin. You want a puny muffin when you're in trying-to-kind-of-be-healthy mode. Then you can pretend a small butter-sponge is good for you with arguments like "it's full of bran" or "it has fruit in it". Perkins doesn't mess around. There's a weight watchers forum on the danger of Perkins muffins. Contributor momof3rugratz (she uses "z" liberally, as you'll see) has two thoughts on whether to eat the Perkins muffins that the inquisitor's sister brought home:
03-26-2005, 12:50 AM
:) Toss them to the dogz and back way far far way
03-31-2005, 01:07 AM
Bran muffins to me I thinkgive u gas. I have had them 3 times each time my poor tummy.
That's a muffin.
2. When you order anything on the menu, you get everything. Want eggs? Comes with a side of pancakes. Want pancakes? Comes with a side of eggs and bacon. Want a seafood sensation? No you don't.
3. They have a bakery in the restaurant for desserts.
4. It has the same name as my favorite member of the Celtics starting five: Kendrick Perkins. Why do I love Kendrick Perkins? Kendrick Perkins's mentor is Kevin Garnett, who's completely and utterly insane. Some announcer once said that Kendrick Perkins is a monster of KG's creation:
Kendrick Perkins has a scowl on his face at all times. He doesn't just scowl when things go wrong. He scowls when they go right, too. I'm sure he was scowling during the video, but unfortunately the camera didn't catch it.
This brings me to the main point. Kendrick Perkins needs a nickname. Each of the other members of the starting five have nicknames. Ray Allen = Jesus (Shuttlesworth). KG = The Big Ticket = The Kid (I suppose KG is a nickname of sorts as well). Paul Pierce = The Truth.
Aside: How did Paul Pierce get a nickname as awesome as The Truth? After the Celtics beat the Lakers 112-107 on the ides of March, 2001, Shaq (then a Laker) pulled a reporter aside and said: "Take this down. My name is Shaquille O'Neal and Paul Pierce is the (expletive) truth."
Rajon Rondo = ET.
Three Celtics bench players even have nicknames. Glen Davis = Big Baby. Stephon Marbury = Starbury. Brian Scallabrine = The White Guy. It's time we got Perk a nickname.
Take this down. I'm The Honest Bro and Kendrick Perkins is (expletive) Breakfast All Day.
Wait. His name is Kendrick Perkins, and Perkins is a restaurant where they serve breakfast all day. That's it? Basically. But there's a little more. Kendrick is pear-shaped and has a sort of sloth-like mannerism. He is a man, I imagine, who quite often does not wake up in time for breakfast at a traditional hour. Plus, Kendrick would appreciate Perkins's mammoth muffins. Proportionally, a mammoth muffin for Kendrick would be akin to a normal muffin for me. Kendrick does not like undersized items. Here's an example, which happens to be the complete Personal section of his Wikipedia page:
"Perkins is a practicing Roman Catholic.[3] He was an altar boy in his youth, and it was often problematic to find an alb to fit him due to his height."
Breakfast All Day. B-A-D. Try it on for size. It works well in many basketball scenarios.
Block: "Bam! Have a pancake!" Or: "Breakfast is served!"
Dunk: "Breakfast ALL DAY!"
Assist: "Side dish!"
Jump shot: Kendrick Perkins does not shoot jump shots.
Ejection: Make a mental picture of this:
Appendix: Two tidbits from Wikipedia and one shameless brag
From Wikipedia:
1. KP's Wikipedia page lists his role as the team's enforcer.
2. Perkins was involved in an unusual scenario in the final seconds of regulation in Game 6 of the 2005 Eastern Conference first round against Indiana, Paul Pierce was ejected but Pierce was owed free throws because he had been fouled before the ejection. Under NBA rules, Indiana coach Rick Carlisle chose to select Perkins (who had not played in the game) off the bench to shoot the crucial free throws (the game was tied). Perkins missed both, indirectly leading the game going into overtime, in which the Celtics eventually won.
Shameless brag:
On their return to trivia night, the aptly named "Back like Jordan wearing the four-five" (which the DJ turned into "four to five" at one point, obviously not thinking of how difficult it would be to wear a range of numbers) emerged victorious. The victory was not without peril.
BLJWTF-F was tied for the lead at the end of the third quarter at 69 points. They missed only one two point question through the fourth quarter, yet found themselves down by eight heading into the final two questions. That's mathematically impossible, but not mathematically impossible enough to throw throw BLJWTF-F off their game. Betting the maximum amount of 10 points on each of the final two questions, BLJWTF-F sealed the victory with two clutch correct answers, bringing their score to an astronomical 128 points.
Unfortunately, BLJWTF-F did not claim the award for coolest team name. That went to "My couch pulls out but I don't".
Post match interview with BLJWTF-F enforcer David Steinberg:
THB: Strong performance, you must feel great.
DS: You're on the team, too. So you know how it feels.
THB: Heck yeah I am. We played trivia every week for the whole fall, and the best we did was fourth place. We rarely broke 100. What made the difference tonight?
DS: The absence of Armeen P. Think about it. This is the only time he didn't come.
THB: Interesting angle. So Armeen P's effect on our team is roughly negative 30 points. Anyway, how will you celebrate?
DS: I was going to use the gift certificate we won. But you taped it to the wall, and I'm not sure we're going to be able to get all the tape off without ripping it.
THB: Well, good luck with that. And great work out there.
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