Answer honestly: would you prefer to...ride a skateboard everywhere or rollerskate everywhere?

Yes, this question is real. Somewhere, in the depths of the Molson corporation, there are two guys: Guy A, who came up with this question, and Guy B, who saw the question and thought: "Like it".

Quick aside: Is there just one guy who thinks these questions up and decides which ones to put on the bottle? If so, Guy B needs to enter the picture quick. Could there be more than two guys on this task? If so, real life = The Office, and Dunder-Mifflin might be better at selling paper than Molson is at coming up with either-or questions. You might also ask: how do I know Guys A and B (and any other alphabetic guys) are guys? Trust me, they are.

A few observations:

1. Guy A and Guy B are at least 50 years old. I mean, "ride a skateboard"? I don't think anyone has ridden a skateboard in the last 10-15 years. Try "skateboard". And rollerskate? When I just typed "rollerskate", it appeared underlined in red. I think dictionary editors, who have a real pulse for the times, removed that one following the 1950's.

I just took a quick spin through Molson's web page. Here's Big Important Guy, who heads up Molson's marketing. About what I expected. Big Important Guy, at their HQ in Montreal: "That's what those young-uns are into these days, eh? Whatever happened to tapping a solid pine for a drip of maple syrup. We were all abooot that in my day." (Yes, "eh" and "abooot" were all I could come up with to rip on Canadians. Not my best work.)

2. Bring the question into this millenium. Still, skateboarding vs. rollerblading? Most beer-drinkers have graduated to driving cars. Are they going for the same target audience as Mountain Dew? Namely, that spoiled 12 year old with the brand new Airwalks whose mom always packed him Doritos or Cheetos in his lunch. Kid, please don't lick that neon orange cheese residue of your fingers. Please don't do it. Oh man! You did it! Here, wash it down with a Molson. Yeah, sorry, all out of Dew.

3. On Saturday, I visited Armeen P's unbelievably non-humble abode. His dog Chip needed to use the bathroom and almost chose to do so on Armeen P's porch. In the nick of time, Armeen P chased Chip into the lawn. However, a nugget had peaked it's head out of Chip's (non-bleached, I think), errrr, a-hole. Forget skateboarding or rollerblading. Not Xtreme in this day and age. Nugget-half-out-racing? That's Xtreme. ESPN could combine the X Games and the Outdoor Games on this one.

"Stuart, which lab do you think will make it further?"
"I don't know, Kenny. The consistency of Chip's nug looks a little soupy from here, and I think that's going to cost him down the stretch."
"Astute. I didn't realize you were even looking at the race."

Irony: at the midpoint Armeen P's recent party, he moved all the guests downstairs. Why? Let's just say 60 minutes opened his eyes to some new extra-curriculars - see previous post.

So what's the answer? If you don't know, you haven't explored the Free Movies on Demand (FMoD) section of your cable box (like Big Important Guy, who's distressed by the end of analog TV). Because there's an FMoD classic that's basically dedicated to answering this question. Meet "Hackers". Starring Johnny Lee Miller as Dade (with two hacker aliases, "Zero Cool" and "Crash Override") and, oh yes, Angelina Jolie (with hacker alias "Acid Burn").

Watch closely. At 0:37, you get a fleeting glimpse of the arcade where Zero Cool/Crash Override and Acid Burn hang out. Yes, it has built in ramps to allow easy access on rollerblades. At 1:12, take note of the villian's mode of transportation. We get a candid glimpse into Zero Cool/Crash Override and Acid Burn's dating life at the 1:47 mark. Pick you up at 8? No need, I have my own ride. Finally, hackers of the world unite - in their mode of transport anyhow - in a brief clip at 2:10.



I agree, Angelina should have kept both the boy-cut and the "Acid Burn" moniker. What's the lesson? Skateboarding = evil. Rollerblading = the future. And the future has never looked better. Especially when you see Dade the Blader (my preferred nicknamed over Zero Cool/Crash Override - it almost rhymes) and Acid Burn's intense aquatic make-out session

Sorry, it's against my religion to embed two Hackers clips in a single post. This is good though. Fast forward to the 1:20 or so mark. My main man, Dade the Blader locks it up my hacking into the city's power grid and programming the city lights to say "Crash and Burn". Cue some really nice background music ("Love you today" is the refrain, and there's some feathery electronic instrumentation.) And them blam! Mashing face!

Check your FMoD - it's worth the hour and a half. Or, it appears you can watch this movie on YouTube in 11 segments. Hackers must have pirated the video! Can Warner Bros really be upset? It's the future they imagined, sort of.

This post got me thinking about two things: (1) terrible movies and (2) awesome nicknames. Accordingly, you have two posts to look forward to: (1) FMoD Oscars and (2) the christening of a new nickname for my favorite Celtic, Kendrick Perkins. It's better than "Beast". In my opinion.