BOSTON -- Amongst a field of elite runners, it was a top-heavy, overweight gorilla who stole the show at the Boston Marathon. Thousands lined the Beantown streets on an overcast Marathon Monday to see the elite runners push the limits of human endurance. Few expected to see the sport itself undergo a stunning transformation. It was not that Justin "Donkey Kong" Schwarz's finished in 2hrs 57mins - though the time is impressive, especially for a creature whose arms outstretch its legs by such a margin - but the manner in which he ran the race that's causing all the uproar.
Some thought DK Schwarz (DKS) might be handicapped by a poor starting number, which placed him amidst a dense crowd of bodies to start the race. However, upon crossing the starting line, DKS spread his gangly arms and unleashed a furious Up-B donkey-copter. Some runners pushed back; some ducked; some tried to leap over DKS. It didn't matter. As they were bounced off the course into the brush on the side of the road, one and all could be heard moaning: "Nothing goes through that move."
DKS felt no sympathy. He repeated the move three or four times, by which time his path was sufficiently clear. DKS then lumbered off at an astonishing 6:48 minutes/mile pace, made all the more astonishing by his unwieldy feet-over-hands gait. Spectators were certain that DKS would fall off the level or get caight between two buildings and die, but DKS navigated the course with aplomb. Whispered a frightened young boy to his father: "That's one nimble ape".
Most thought DKS could not maintain the pace, but then again, most did not know about DKS's strict training regimen. In a November 2007 Dartmouth soccer game against Cornell, DKS received word that he should begin warming up to enter the game. However, this command came from a devious Waluigi-esque character out to foil DKS; there was no chance of DKS entering the match. For the 18 months preceding Marathon Monday, DKS had been trotting back and forth in a 20 meter interval. It was a training regimen not unlike that of Conan the Barbarian, who developed every last muscle in his body by pushing a water wheel in the desert for approximately ten years (the inside side of his body should have been puny - or at least slightly underdeveloped - in my opinion).
Tragedy befell DKS at the twelve mile mark. Seeing a PokeBall in the distance, the nimble ape accelerated to breakneck pace. As he reached his arms outward, DKS heard a familiar click beneath his feet. "Who put that theeeeeeerrreeeeee?" DKS could be heard screaming as the proximity mine sent him hurtling into the air. Spectators gasped as DKS vanished from sight.
When DKS came to his senses, he found himself back at the starting line. Muttering difficult-to-decipher obscenities under his breath, DKS took off at a gallop. He thrust several octogenarian "runners" out of the way. Although Marathon officials were certain they had turned stars off, some observers swore they saw a slight sparkle in DKS as he trudged ahead, now pushing septagenerians into the roadside.
At the thirteen mile mark, just outside the city limits, DKS made the decision that changed history. He had just caught the pack of normally-aged laggards when DKS stopped abruptly and began twirling his right arm around his head. After 10-15 seconds, DKS lowered his arm. He began flashing, his fur alternating between white and brown like a strobe light. The clock read 2hrs 56 minutes. Then, just as suddenly as he stopped, he hopped forward and released the punch of all punches. A bloodcurdling scream tore through the region: "JJWWWAAAAARRRTTTTZZZ".
Three things resulted:
1. The death of 1 Mario, 1 Luigi, 3 Yoshis, and 34 Jiggly Puffs.
2. The finishing line camera caught the blurred image of an oversized ape's fist just across the plane. The clock read 2hrs 57mins.
3. The brunt of the blow landed on the backside of laggard American Ryan Hall. Propelled by the blow, Hall shot across the finish line in 2hrs 9mins, clinching third place. It was the best finish by an American in forty years.
It was celebration time. With the course cleared, DKS finally had a PokeBall all his own. He sauntered over, a doofy grin on his face. But, alas, it was not to be. At the last moment, a Captain Falcon, clothed in a stealthy black suit and helmet, sprinted by DKS and snatched the PokeBall from his clutches. A close-up photo revealed a chaw in the Captain's lip. The Captain cooly dropped the PokeBall and held DKS over it as it opened. Cries of "F***! Bees! F***ing bees!" were the last the crowd heard from DKS as he bounced off the screen.
Trivia Update
Third place. Out of four teams.
wickolai thats my favorite yet
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