Jesus saves

This morning on Sportscenter, Magic Johnson said: "Anytime I have playoff basketball, I'm in heaven". I agree with his sentiment, but I have doubts about how excited St. Peter is for old Earve. When Magic tested HIV positive, he came out and said he had no idea how he got the disease. It turns out he got it from the most unlikely of sources: unprotected sex with "multiple partners". It's unclear if those multiple partners were from one occasion, multiple occasions, or both, i.e., multiple partners on multiple occasions. Whatever the case may be, he probably trails Wilt Chamberlain, who claimed that he had sex with 20,000 women. Someone did the math, and it works out to 1.14 women per day from the time he turned 15 to the day he died. Someone else asked: "Is that number regular season only, or does it include the playoffs?"

With that backdrop, I enjoyed Magic's commentary. When asked what makes a team successful in the playoffs, Magic began: "Decision making is the key." Take it from him. He mentioned some cliche about having a good point guard before he revealed his true secret: "You need two wingmen who can deliver."



I don't know if Jesus (real Jesus) will be saving Magic, but Ray Allen (real Jesus Shuttlesworth) saved the Celtics tonight. In the fourth quarter, the Celtics were on the ropes. Ben Gordon was playing like Joe Johnson playing like Michael Jordan (Think back to last year's first round when Joe was NBA-Jam-on-fire all series and could not miss a shot no matter how difficult or absurd even though he's not a great player when it really comes down to it). Gotta give it to them, the Bulls were using tried and true NBA Jam play calling. Pass it to Gordon, and jab B for shoot, no matter where he is on the court. With 10 seconds left, that strategy tied the game. We were headed to overtime against a man possessed. But, with 2 seconds left, the clouds parted and Ray Allen hit the game winner just over the reaches of the devil incarnate, Joaquim Noah.

I needed it bad, having attended Saturday's heartbreaking Game 1 loss, where Mr. Shuttlesworth shot 1-for-12. However, I know someone who needed it worse than I. The Honest Godfather. THG. He was also at the Game 1 loss. FYI, I think I have his seat pegged. I'm pretty sure it's Section 304, Row 14, Seat 3 (could be 2 or 4, it's hard to be that precise from over in 307). You can probably figure it out by finding the two tickets that are selling for the highest price on StubHub. Those would be the seats on either side of this living legend.



THG was a sight to behold. He donned the same classic faded denim. He swapped his Larry Bird Jersey 33 for a Paul "The Truth" Pierce Jersey 34. The same green undershirt worked equally well with this jersey. Does he have a collection of green undershirts? Or just a single lucky undershirt? The world may never know. I must also set the record straight. The worn-in white Asics I mentioned before are actually worn-in white K-Swisses (unless he has two similar pairs of shoes).

I picked up on these details, but if you missed them, no one would blame you. Why? Because THG had dyed his fine, chain-mail-like mullet fluorescent green. It must be a new playoff tradition. It was stunning. The question hardly needs answering, but I'll indulge you. He made the Jumbotron. The crowd reacted favorably, of course.

I saw THG leaving the arena, but I could not bring myself to stop him. As I mentioned, Mr. Shuttlesworth was not all aces on Saturday, and he missed the would-be-game-tying shot in overtime. THG was walking in a cloud of despair (a fluorescent green cloud of despair), and I had nothing to offer that would cheer him up. I still don't have that cooler of homemade 22 or 24 oz beers at the ready.

When Ray Allen's three-pointer hit nothing but strings tonight, I leaped up from Big Blue in joy. I don't receive the Jumbotron feed (yet), but I don't need it to know the camera was pointed at the brightest object in Section 304, our modern-day light in the Old North Church, our beacon of hope.

Trivia Update

It was not our finest showing at Trivia. Heading into the two question finale, we were already out of the race for first. In addition, we named our team "Rivers JV Baseketball" in honor of Coach Armeen P, who planned to arrive slightly late. However, Coach-turned-socialite Armeen P never arrived. Thus, the joke did not work, leaving everyone to wonder if we really were a group of bad high school basketball players. Or if we were a group of bad high school basketball players having a reunion. I was embarrassed every time I had to hand in our answer.

Ever pushing the how-lewd-can-we-make-our-name-and-still-have-the-guy-say-it-out-loud boundary, the artists formerly known as "My couch pulls out but I don't" broke new ground this week. "Quiz on your face".

But that wasn't to be ejaculate's only cameo at trivia. One question asked: what white, odorless crystalline substance is also known as calcium-oxide? The bartender, a little bit of a Guy on the Right, leaned in and said: "Let me just say what everyone's thinking. Semen." I was thinking talc. Both turned out to be wrong. It was lime.

Anyhow, fresh off Magic's inspirational talk, I began thinking of ways to wrest the best name crown from MCPOBID/QOYF on the walk into work this morning. I have a candidate: "TriViagra". I don't know whether you pronounce it "trivia-gra" or "try-viagra", but I think either has the desired effect. No matter how hard the questions are, we won't be left stumped.

Thought: the title to this post turned out to be completely inappropriate.