Answer honestly: would you prefer....to have world peace or free beer for life?

Okay, Molson. I think I see how you envision this one playing out. The guys are hanging out, drinking BEER. Just some guys drinking BEER. Probably wearing flannels, unshaven, wearing frontwards non-flat brimmed hats. And Wranglers. Brett Favre is there (I know he said he wasn't coming, but he changed his mind). Some real guys, the kind they don't make anymore. Brett jogs over to the cooler. In the back of the truck. American made. "Who wants an ice cold BEER?". Brett tosses guy #1 a BEER. It's most likely intercepted by someone else. But that's okay, there's enough BEER to go around.

(Substitute ice cold BEER for football below).



One barrel-chested gentleman pushes his beard out of his eyes and reads the question off the bottle. "Hey guys, tough question: would you rather have world peace or free BEER for life?"

Brett: "That's easy. With free BEER for life, who'd want to fight a war anyway?".

Guys: "Huh." "You tell 'em, old number four." "That's right." "I love hanging out with hall-of-fame quarterbacks who are really just regular, down-to-earth guys like me."

Now that I've thrown up (twice: once for the stupidity of the question, and once for the imaginary commercial I made), let's get down to business. Even a self-proclaimed bro like me knows the answer has to be world peace. I learned the importance of world peace from the ultimate teacher: television. Oddly, I did not quite learn this in church. For as long as I can remember, the priest in my parish has been praying for peace in the middle east. I think because it rhymes, generally rolls off the tongue nicely, and, who are we kidding anyhow? If the prayers start working, we get peace in the middle east, and we can move on to accomplishing all our other goals with virtually no work. Otherwise, it's all just hot air.

Television gets it. World peace is really important. Jack Bauer has killed hundreds of people for world peace. And that's only in the six and a half days we've seen.



Wait until next season, when Jack wills a partner out of retirement. You guessed it: Brett Favre. But that would be ridiculous, and 24 is anything but ridiculous. Plots don't revolve around retiring and un-retiring (that is, after the first hour, when we bring Jack out of retirement each season). Plots revolve around real problems, like this season's stolen "CPU" device, which has complete control every airplane, nuclear power plant, train, toaster, and Nerf weapon in the United States. And lookout, it's controlled by the military dictator from Songala. For those of you having trouble finding Songala on the map, it's right between Neverneverland and Atlantis.

You might laugh, but I'm not the only one who takes 24 seriously. The New York Times printed an article that blames Jack for increased prevalence of torture among CIA agents. Fortunately, geniuses are in charge of 24, as evidenced by their two part response:

1. Did the 24 people rebuke the claims that 24 is responsible for the increase in torture (and thereby downplaying the importance of their TV show)? Heck no! Instead they took credit for putting the first black president in office. They paved the way for 2008 with black TV president David Palmer, who was in office way back in 2000. Let's just hope Obama isn't relegated to State Farm commercials when his term in office is up.

2. Did the 24 people cave from the pressure and remove torture from their show? Heck no! That would remove the key moments in the show, when you end up rooting for the "good guy" to do some really f-ed up stuff to the "bad guy" in order to save thousands of innocent American lives. Instead, they got Jack a sidekick. A female sidekick. A female sidekick who is in charge of torturing anyone Jack needs tortured, and is really good at looking conflicted and sad afterward. Doing what's "necessary" isn't always the jolly fun time Jack made you think through seasons 1-6. It's actually hard. But "necessary". DO IT NOW!

Hey Brett, make yourself useful. Go get Jack a BEER. Without Jack, there's no America anymore. And that means no audience for your cute Wranglers commercial. You better fast-track your move to the ESPN booth. They've kept your shrine intact.