Itchy is bad. Visibly bad.
Pretend you don't look like a walking STD. You're still twitching and
TIMEOUT!
Who put Nancy Lieberman on NBA Coast to Coast? Political correctness is one thing, but putting this
TIMEOUT WITHIN TIMEOUT!
What an outrageous twenty second span. This joker has set his ring tone to "Peanut Butter Jelly Time". Thanks. I was hoping for a burst of K-Fed each time your mom calls.
(Timeout 1 continued) airhead on a fine NBA program: flat out unnecessary. ESPN, this is almost as appalling as your group-hug A-Rod coverage.
Before I get back to the main point, an FYI: Nancy Lieberman was known as "Lady Magic" as in the female Magic Johnson. And there's no better example of a walking STD than Magic himself. What a coincidence! I didn't think the timeout would have anything to do with the rest of the article.
I was saying: Suppose you're constantly itchy. Even if you don't look like Magic/Woogie, you'll be twitching and clawing at yourself like a crack addict. By my logic, itchy = everyone who looks at you immediately thinks you have an STD or are addicted to drugs.
Now, what's the story with being constantly hungry? I'll be honest, I can see either extreme:
1. You get really skinny. You're constantly hungry, implying that you never have enough to eat.
2. You get really fat. No matter how much you eat, you're still hungry. You might also become poor if your hunger is insatiable to the point where you need to buy food everywhere you go.
To straighten this matter out, I interviewed a guy who knows (the red one below).
THB: You guys look pretty happy. Is it somehow fun being hungry, hungry all the time?
HHH: Are you an idiot? It's a publicity shot. My life is about one thing: feeding the white marble addiction. Sure I throw on the smile, but that's just so those stupid tykes open the box and help me stuff white marbles down my gullet.
THB: So you're saying it's miserable?
HHH: Look. There are positives and negatives. I spend most of my time sitting in a box, and I'm always hungry, hungry. Negative. When I'm hungry, hungry and then I do get my chops on a white marble, it's bliss. Positive. Each time I eat a white marble, I excrete it within seconds. Negative. I get to rub up with that cutie in pink. Positive. I have to make my moves on Ms. Pink in front of children ages 4 and up. Positive.
THB: Since you've been hungry, hungry, have you lost or gained weight?
HHH: I've been hungry, hungry my entire life, chief.
THB: And have you lost or gained weight?
HHH: I've remained exactly the same weight, except during periods where I'm eating. Suppose I have X white marbles inside my body that weigh Y pounds each. Then, my weight = my normal weight + X * Y. Within seconds of finishing eating, I'm back to my normal weight since I have 0 marbles inside me. Again, that's due to my lightning-quick digestive tract.
THB: Then, you literally shit where you eat as a result of that lightning-quick digestive tract. Isn't that unsanitary?
HHH: Fortunately, the speed of the tract really doesn't allow for too much, err, processing of the marbles. No mess, no smell. This is especially fortunate since I then re-eat the marbles some time later. Good as new!
THB: You're really fine with the eat-excrement-eat-ad-infinitum cycle?
HHH: Practically speaking, yes. Theoretically, less so. Do you think I have cause for a lawsuit against the game makers?
THB: I don't know. Have you ever used performance enhancing drugs?
HHH: Yes, I admit that I used them between the precise dates of June 3, 2001 and October, 21 2003. However, I have no idea what drug. I'm so sorry that I used them to make hundreds of millions of dollars, hoard all the white marbles, and to seduce Ms. Pink, who couldn't resist my bulging muscles, fame, money, and white marble monopoly. I deeply regret that move above all else in my life. After lying about it and covering it up for five years, I'm now telling the you the truth. Have some pity: I'm just an honest HHH who made a mistake that netted him ridiculous amounts of money, fame, and female HHH lovin' with no consequences beyond potential damage to my legacy.
THB: I understand. You were young and hungry, hungry.
Hmmm, a mixed bag. But it doesn't sound as bad as instant association with STDs and crack.
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